To: you From: me Subject: us

I am a part of you, but it is the hardest truth that I deal with
There is more than just acceptance of your existence
but love I am unable to find
I see the reasons for your heart aches
Know of your anguish struggling through a dreary childhood
but cope with the result which is YOU, I am unable to do
Your ways, words, gestures, thoughts ignite such fury!
At times there is sympathy for you
Then unavoidable proximity hurts my skin
I know I am yours, but every cell in my being resists it
Occasionally the heart and mind wants normal for us
but what is normal?
Ridiculous that I find it in our incoherent, loud verbal feuds
I wish you could undo a few things
Walk into the past, erase those moments
How I wish I could forget and maybe, just maybe even forgive!
but the scars from our past, Ahh! such painful open wounds
I know your wounds too, perhaps like no one else does
but you found ways to heal that pushed me further away
At times I feel your regret in loosing what we could have been
My inability to just speak to you shocks me
I wish we could share space without feeling such strain
but the hurt, fear, anger from our shaky past cripples my intention
We could have been different with each other, maybe even friends
but we are not, can't or won't...I don't know anymore
Someday we might be content with each other, even have some wine together
And maybe never!

Blog post for Fifth Ring

http://blog.fifthring.com/what-im-looking-forward-to-in-2014/

Thumri – curtain raiser for Art Nights by Pali Chandra

I am a biased Kathak audience and with justifiable reason for being so, the reason is Pali Chandra. She is my guru, mentor, friend, mother and above all an exemplary dancer and choreographer. This is by no means a first time description about this individual, just that some people like her can never be described enough.
 Going back to what makes me, at the risk of sounding arrogant, say that I am a biased Kathak audience. On Friday, 21^st of June Art Night was premiered at the Gurukul studio in Dubai. Art Nights is a series of lecture cum demonstration sessions by Pali Chandra where she presents the genetics of an aspect of Kathak to art lovers in a close-knit setting.
 Personally the lead up to this much awaited evening was more sweat inspiring and stomach churning than exciting since in an almost usual fashion the evening’s director Shruthi Rameshan, her creative crew and ushers like me were ordered by Pali Chandra to turn up looking nothing less than dames from a marriage celebration song in a Karan Johar movie. The evening was about Pali Chandra presenting Thumri and she effortlessly infused a bunch of girls, especially me, who had to practice sitting and getting up in a sari 10 times and try to loose at least 5 kgs of prosperity accumulated at the waist area before being able to perform a piece as a part of the evening’s demonstration.
 Moving on…as her student I am all ears when she explains the origin of an element of Kathak and its renaissance. As an aching-to-be dancer my eyes compete with the Ganges every time I see her teach or present an abhinaya (expression based) piece. Attending a lecture and demonstration on Thumri meant a marriage of both these effects on the audience and this is no surprise when in the presence of the recipient of the prestigious Lachhu Maharaj award for mastery of abhinaya.
 Starting with a brief introduction about Thumri, which arose in popularity during the 19^th century in the Lucknow court of Wajid Ali Shah, and its journey through different eras Pali Chandra unfolded a mystic evening demonstrating the eight nayikas (heroines) through a medley. Accompanying her with the vocal and weaving a durbar like ambience was Mohd Mehboob Ali.
 The audience was engulfed in a wave of soft smiles, glistening eyes and prickled skin as she presented each nayika dressing up for her lover, quarreling with him, distressed by her love, enraged with him, deceived by him and anxious and excited about going to meet her love.
 Submission was the only option available that evening as Pali Chandra expressed and explained each emotion effortlessly. Everyone present in the studio was basking in the beauty, warmth and creative intelligence of this artist during the evening and the unanimous vote is WE WANT MORE!

Sunethri

My two weeks stay at Sunethri Ayurvedashram & Research centre had only one agenda, any physical improvement or conditioning to be able to dance better. My soul's biggest ache is not being able to reciprocate with my body what I seem to be able to do in my head during Kathak training sessions and dance rehearsals.

The immense support that I get from my guru Pali Chandra, friends and the audiences that I have performed in front of till date has been my biggest encouragement. However, I must confess that I am quite mercilessly critical about myself when it comes to dance. The struggles of the dancer locked in my body can perhaps be a different post.

Mum's agenda was straightforward too, any improvement to get more points in the pitiful (according to me) Kerala marriage market.
 Anyways, I had reached Sunethri and it was supposed to be two weeks of treatment, plenty of reading time, me time, more importantly zero work time. By the time I left the Centre I had met so many people and made lovely friends from all age groups. My respect for Dr. Prasad and his wife Dr. Sheniya multiplied exponentially during my stay there. It is fantastic to observe how this couple operate as highly proficient doctors and wonderful people at the same time. 

Dr. Prasad and Dr. Sheniya also attract lovely people who make up the brilliant team at the Centre. The therapists are unfortunately missing from this picture. 

Please note: visiting staff - my baby Hannan (she only reports to Pages aka Dr. Tejas) and Vani akka (Colgate smile in white and red) who manages the entertainment division when she is at the Centre. 

Not to forget Dr. Shadia...

The time spent at Sunethri was a lot more than holistic health time and I can't think of words to describe how I have been touched and inspired by the people I met here. The simplicity of the easily-lovable people that I got to spend time with and the incredible emotional strength with which they handle their own or a loved one's health/mental condition is enviable. 

Missing here are pictures of Indira aunty, Pooja, Jessy and her kids. You all are missed and I can't wait to see everyone again.

Pali ji I would have never met these people if you wouldn't have twisted my arms to meet Dr. Prasad. Thank you is too small a word to express my gratitude for your presence in my life and everything that you think and do for me, but THANK YOU.

Immense gratitude to Dr. Prasad and Dr. Sheniya for connecting with the dancer in me and for making my treatment period seem like a family holiday. 

Man at the crossing

On Sunday or maybe Monday, last week, I was in a rush (as always) to get to office before 8.30 AM. I understand that other motorists on the road at that time EVERYDAY are on similar missions, but on a daily basis Ms. Understanding takes the back seat during rush hour. 

One of my favorite couples in this world Sangeet and Anand will roar with laughter at this line...I was at the Galadari signal. Anyways, while they continue giggling I shall get to the main part of this post.

There is a tricky right at this signal which is no less dangerous than some war struck border. Getting on to the lane to take this right requires daring calculations and maneuvering. Avoiding an accident requires no fear for traffic violations. Celebrated Grand Prix racers will find this route an exciting challenge. 

At this turn is a zebra crossing and God bless motorists who are kind enough to let pedestrians pass,  regardless of the violent honking that they get subjected to for doing so. Usually it is people jumping on to the road and crossing with severe frowns or cursing the cars. 

On this day, waiting to cross, was an elderly man in simple clothes carrying modest lunch in a transparent bag. No idea how I managed to notice so many things about this individual, but there was something about his smile brighter than the summer sun and body language that was simple yet inspiring. With his sincere smile he was indicating for motorists to let him pass when a tourist joined him at the crossing. The man immediately greeted the tourist. I stopped to let these men cross; he ensured that the tourist got to cross along with him, waved thanks to me and offered a friendly salute to the tourist guy before walking away.

I am guessing it was his smile that captured my attention. Something about this man at the crossing that offered more valuable tips for life than one can possibly find in best selling self help books:

Little patience and a smile can help you get through the busy and complicated crossings in life.

One does not have to initiate a renaissance to be remembered; a pleasant attitude should suffice. 

Dance statement

Talent in general including dance does not necessarily come in exquisite packages. It is prayer for some, fun for others; in other words a celebration of human emotions. 

A range of silly thoughts crossed my head when my guru Pali Chandra asked me to be on stage with dancers from Special Needs Future Development Center (SNF) and Gurukul for SAATHI's third anniversary celebration held at the Indian Consulate on Friday, 8th June. Although I was a part of the workshops, conducted by Pali ji, to prepare the SNF dancers for this show I caught myself worrying about the way I would look on stage. I was worried about not doing justice to the choreography. I was insanely upset that my physical limitations will be obvious to the audience.

These shallow, crazy thoughts pinched my nerves right until I saw the SNF dancers dressed in their costumes with make up on, excited and all smiles back stage. These performers might have been nervous but, certainly none of them were skeptical about being a differently abled dancer. Their attitude and excitement about rocking the stage was contagious, encouraging and humbling. I was not concerned about me anymore, we were a team. It was a dedication to differently abled artists. It was a unified proclamation that art and talent is not restricted to a particular section of the society. It was a prayer to encourage co-existence between the mainstream and specially abled communities. 

On stage with these fantastic stars, in front of a brilliant audience I did what I know how to do best and with no inhibition, I danced! 

What's in a name?

'What's in a name? That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet.' Great stuff, but seriously there should be a legal system in place so that SOME mallu parents stop naming their kids with such atrocious names! Aldo is a store, Audi is a CAR goddammit, Salu - ahem ahem, Gregarious - POOR chap! Digol - for flu and running nose am guessing, Jofy - bole tho? Huxely - sm kinda new luxury dish washing liquid perhaps, Berny - really?and SHANKY - tell me this is a joke!
I do not have the most interesting name and I need to probably change it as well. But the ones above need some help ASAP.